Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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