oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
