dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
