so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
