The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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