is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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