I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
