don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize