When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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