I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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