Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
