i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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