Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
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