Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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