she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
