Your dad touched me again.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
