textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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