The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
