I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
