Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
