The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
