i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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