Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
