My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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