I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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