I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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