According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
