We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
