Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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