Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
