I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
