oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
