I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
people are starting to question the shark bite story
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
