Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
