so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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