It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
how drunk are you?
Several
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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