In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize