I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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