dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says โPrego.โ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ๐๐
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize