I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
