just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Can you bring me the toilet please
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
