Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
