How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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