he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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