i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
