The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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