I just cut my nipple shaving
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
