We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
