it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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