how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
