the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You need Xanax blowdarts
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
