It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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