the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
