I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
