i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize