No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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