I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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