This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
