I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
