You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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