guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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