Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Of course I have a pirate flag
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
