Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
